I have been up since 5:22 this morning and as I roamed around the apartment, looking at the piles of stuff scattered on every flat surface, the unvacumed carpet, the sink full of dishes, the bare walls, and the many boxes of unpacked crap, I realized that I just do not have any desire to continue to decorate this space.
I'm just not "feeling it".
I just don't care.
My Elle Decor magazine came yesterday and I didn't get that normal excited feeling that I use to get when the new, pretty magazines would show up. I glanced through it and tossed it on the growing pile that sits on top of the dusty coffee table. It will sit there, untouched, until I move it to the pile on the floor in the guest/storage room.
I don't know what the problem is. Part of it is the lack of money to be able to buy anything to decorate with...but the main thing is that this place just doesn't feel like home. I miss my tiny little house out in Oak View. I miss the big yard that took up so much of my time. THAT felt like home. THAT is the place that I wanted to put money into and my heart into to decorate. THAT is the place that I had big plans for. I pictured so many outdoor get togethers at that little house. I pictured finally having enough money saved up to be able to put in a 2nd bathroom. I had the "finished product" in my head and it was lovely and bright and peaceful and fun and my HOME!
Leaving that little house was a mistake and I blame only me. I know I can't get it back and I tell myself everytime I think about it, that it needed way too much work and would require way more dollars to fix than we had access to...but it still doesn't take away the fact that we may never own a home again.
These walls in this apartment will stay bare for the remaining 13 months of our lease. GOD..there was another idiot move on my part....taking that long of a lease. STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. I got suckered in with the newness of the place and the fact that they took large dogs. Hand me the lease! Where do I sign?
I am an IDIOT!
Shoulda found a cheap as hell, peice of shit, ground level, 2 bedroom, that took large dogs, for 6 months some place. (Thank you to California for your insane high cost of living and to all you jackass landlords that refuse to allow dogs! Go ahead and rent to that family with 5 kids. Those kids are gonna fuck your place up faster than you can say Koo Koo for Coco Puffs while my dog would have done nothing but sleep all day)
Oh well.
Fuck it!
Don't get discouraged! It's overwhelming to move, but eventually you can make your new place feel like home just as much as your old place did. Just remember you don't have to do everything at once, and it'll definitely be a work in progress for a while! That's always what I have the most trouble with. Chin up!
ReplyDeleteI'm reading. I hope you feel better soon. Great pic BTW.
ReplyDeleteHi Coletta! I saw your comment on Manhattan Nest. I just started a blog too and no one reads it. Not my friends, family, boyfriend, nada. I know it's frustrating but I'll have you know I just laughed out loud twice on this post alone; I think you've got a quite a gem here! Unmotivation be damned! (that's what I keep telling myself) Good luck!
ReplyDeletei think you should go back to your first post and see how excited you were then. i mean sure, sometimes you loose energy and you never want to enter another home goods as long as your alive but that feeling will pass when something else inspires you. your penthouse isnt going to change over night, it will probably take until the end of your lease for it to be perfect so enjoy it while you can. do the little things that make it homey.
ReplyDeleteps. i want to see a picture of your freakin couch. i mean your blog is called my big couch. where the fuck is it? i've only seen a leg. whats up with this stuff? hmmm? hmmm!
aww that's a shame. i just found your site and i'm loving it. i totally understand how frustrated you might be from living in a place that felt like HOME to a place that doesn't feel half as good. thing is, time goes by fast..and if you're saving money then you've got many options for the future.
ReplyDeleteas for decorating and it costing some bank...omg, i know that feeling. i'm a HUGE thrift shopper and i've been running super low on funds so i haven't shopped in like a month..it's sad..but i'll get on it soon enough.
hope ya get to posting again..i enjoy them!
keep your head up. :]
people read it... I'm a new reader and just found this blog via Manhattan Nest. It seems like you haven't had this blog long so just keep at it and the readers will come. I definitely like what I see so far. (your couch is amazing! and your decor style too!) I think one (little thing at least) that helps to get traffic to your blog is to be an active commenter yourself. Post your blog on facebook and other media sites too. And you should get a traffic feed so you can see your actual traffic and where it's coming from. When I post a project of mine on a craft forum I'm a member of my traffic spikes a bit that day/week. And I hope you feel better about your apartment too, I've been in my place now a year and have been slowly working on it and still essentially hate it, but it's getting better (I have almost no budget everything is handmade, thrifted or found on the curb)
ReplyDeleteWOW...I avoided looking at my blog for a few days and here are all these great comments! I seriously had no idea that anyone even looked at it. I guess I owe a thank you to those of you that posted as well as a big hug to Manhatten Nest!
ReplyDeleteFYI.....for those of you wondering where the photos are of My Big Couch...I haven't taken any because the wall behind it is bare, and the dog is always on it. Guess I better post one soon!
how about trying to design an apartment on next to no money and for an apartment that doesnt exist yet! ive recently started a blog and no one reads it, expect myself of course. these things dont happen over night.
ReplyDeleteWoman, please get a grip. You're funny, your blog has tons of personality and you must be patient when it comes to building a readership. Also, if you have general writing aspirations, a blog will help you regardless of who reads it. I laughed really hard at Jesus giving the finger...thanks for starting my week out right!
ReplyDelete