Sunday, March 27, 2011
Decorating is on Hold
I have been up since 5:22 this morning and as I roamed around the apartment, looking at the piles of stuff scattered on every flat surface, the unvacumed carpet, the sink full of dishes, the bare walls, and the many boxes of unpacked crap, I realized that I just do not have any desire to continue to decorate this space.
I'm just not "feeling it".
I just don't care.
My Elle Decor magazine came yesterday and I didn't get that normal excited feeling that I use to get when the new, pretty magazines would show up. I glanced through it and tossed it on the growing pile that sits on top of the dusty coffee table. It will sit there, untouched, until I move it to the pile on the floor in the guest/storage room.
I don't know what the problem is. Part of it is the lack of money to be able to buy anything to decorate with...but the main thing is that this place just doesn't feel like home. I miss my tiny little house out in Oak View. I miss the big yard that took up so much of my time. THAT felt like home. THAT is the place that I wanted to put money into and my heart into to decorate. THAT is the place that I had big plans for. I pictured so many outdoor get togethers at that little house. I pictured finally having enough money saved up to be able to put in a 2nd bathroom. I had the "finished product" in my head and it was lovely and bright and peaceful and fun and my HOME!
Leaving that little house was a mistake and I blame only me. I know I can't get it back and I tell myself everytime I think about it, that it needed way too much work and would require way more dollars to fix than we had access to...but it still doesn't take away the fact that we may never own a home again.
These walls in this apartment will stay bare for the remaining 13 months of our lease. GOD..there was another idiot move on my part....taking that long of a lease. STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. I got suckered in with the newness of the place and the fact that they took large dogs. Hand me the lease! Where do I sign?
I am an IDIOT!
Shoulda found a cheap as hell, peice of shit, ground level, 2 bedroom, that took large dogs, for 6 months some place. (Thank you to California for your insane high cost of living and to all you jackass landlords that refuse to allow dogs! Go ahead and rent to that family with 5 kids. Those kids are gonna fuck your place up faster than you can say Koo Koo for Coco Puffs while my dog would have done nothing but sleep all day)